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Why Do Victims Stay?

Many people, including victims themselves, may ask, "Why would someone stay in a violent relationship?" Here are some examples of barriers victims face when they consider leaving a violent relationship.

• Pity: She feels sorry for him.
• Fear of his suicide: He says he'll kill himself if I leave.
• Denial: It's really not that bad.
• Guilt: She feels, and he claims, that the marital problems are her fault. She causes his difficulties, actions and problems.
• Responsibility: It's up to her to work things out, to save the marriage.
• Shame/Embarrassment/Humiliation: She doesn't want anyone to know.
• Identity: Many women feel that they need a man to be complete.
• Security: They feel secure because they have a relationship. Some victims believe that no one else would love them, because that is what their abuser tells them.
• Optimism: Things will get better. He keeps promising me that.
• Low self-esteem: It must be my fault. I must deserve it. I will never find anyone better. A little love is better than no love. A victim believes this because she hears it continuously from her abuser.
• Survival: Fears about her own physical survival if she leaves, because he has threatened her life and maybe the lives of their children.
• Community Resources: Resources for victims may not be well known or easy to use. Victims may not know about their options.
• Isolation: Batterers often feel threatened by their victims' relationships and stop them from becoming close to others. The isolation makes the victim rely on the abuser for support.
• Normal behavior: If a victim was raised in a violent home or has lived years of abuse, she may find the behavior to be normal.
• Stockholm Phenomenon: When their captors hold hostages for a period of time, they begin to identify with them. Many victims of abuse, who are literally held hostage by their abusers, manifest this syndrome.
• End effects of terror: When a person lives in never ending terror and stress, their ability to resist gets worn away. They lack the energy and become confused and exhausted.